Thursday, October 16, 2014

Shit People Say To Private Detectives

Were you a cop?
I always wanted to be a PI.
Are you spying on me?
I’d make a good PI, I followed my husband once.
Do you drive a red Ferrari?
Do you get a lot of chicks?
Are you like Rockford?
Are you like Magnum?
Do you carry a gun?
Do you carry a badge?
I want to do what you do. Fun!
Do you have a Pee-cup in your car?
What did you major in to become a PI?
How big is your lens?
Can you find my High School girlfriend?... Not that I still got a thing for her.

Do you have law enforcement background?
You should write a book.
What is the difference between a PI and a Private Dick?
How can I become a PI?
Do I need a license to become a PI?
Don’t you need to be a cop first?
Don’t women make better PI’s?
Can you arrest people?
Can I see your handcuffs?
How do I get a job as a Private Investigator?
Tell me about your equipment?
Did you go to PI School?
Can you get me my government record?
Good cop or bad cop?
Shouldn't I just use the internet?
Can you find my mom’s anonymous sperm donor?
I was a product of a one night stand and my mom didn’t know the guy’s name. Can you find him anyway?

What’s Pro Bono?
You mean I have to pay for this!
I think there is a bug in my apartment.
I think someone planted a bug in my head.
I can beat a polygraph test!
Can you tap my boyfriend’s phone?
Do you have a blonde undercover decoy with big boobs?
Why does that plastic cup in your glove compartment smell like urine?

Jay Rosenzweig